Shi no Yume v.4.0 the demon

"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from." - T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets"
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
Playlist:

Wow. This place. So dead. Yes. Officially dead.

12:59 p.m.

"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from." - T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets"
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
Playlist: Shine - Vienna Teng

It's an easy thing to just go to my LJ and see what's been going on with me, but here's what's been going on with me the past few months.

My classes this semester are Cultural Anthropology, Scandinavian History and Culture, Survey of World History, and intermediate Chinese. They're going pretty well, except for Survey of World History, in which I have a really bad GSI (graduate student instructor), so the class isn't really all that fun, although I'm definitely learning new things. The Scandinavian class is also rather interesting, although I'm more looking forward to the professor's class on Norse mythology next semester. Cultural Anthropology is a prereq, but it's still very interesting, but I don't know how well I'm going to end up doing in the class, because the grading policy seems rather hard, based on the midterm and the project we've done so far. Chinese is really fun, I really enjoy it. I'm planning to take the advanced course next year, but unfortunately there're no more classes beyond that level, so that really sucks. Overall, there's a LOT of reading to do for this semester.

On the roommmate issue (yes, it has been long enough for it to be referred to as an 'issue'), after Melissa moved out, it was fine for a while, although initially it was weird getting used to living by myself and having an empty room that I don't touch. I got really used to my privacy, and realized how much I liked my solitude. But watching so much of my money fly away each month was really NOT GOOD, so I've been sorta looking for a roommate for a while. Finally, I posted on the UCB LJ comm, and someone said they were interested for May. Long story short, she came by and looked at the place a few days ago, along with a friend. They're going to take the room together, and have the down payment for May, even though they won't move in till the end of May. So, yay, won't have to worry about rent anymore.

That's really all the important stuff, in a nutshell. Oh, and I turned 19 a while ago. It wasn't very fun, being the first birthday without Mom in a long time, but the Friday before the week, I was taken out to a surprise dinner. That was fun, even though actual birthday wasn't.

Going back to school soon (skipping class these few days), am rather looking forward to it.

11:04 p.m.

Updated stats on the column on the right. Will make further changes when I get back to Berkeley (am currently in Santa Cruz). I think a layout change is in order as well. Maybe. Possibly. If I get off my butt and do it. Yeah...

10:38 p.m.

I need help organizing my life, really I do. ^^;; So, first up, what should I use this blog for? (I really only came back to update the stats on the side. Should I update 'writing' here? Like, fics, that original story that I'm ~~not~~ working on, etc.?

I realized something the other night, while lying in bed. I realized that I no longer introspect, at least not in the same way as I used to, the long rambling posts about myself that I'm sure nobody were interested in except myself. Ever since I started blogging at LJ, it's been more about, I dunno, more public sides of my life. When you know you're on someone else's flist, it really kinda stops you from saying all the stupid things that you're thinking in your head. And I never really friendlock an entry, because that seems rather elitist, and also, I never really say anything that's particularly controversial or offensive. I'm a low-profile blogger, I don't attract the opinonated and the jackasses with what I say, and I want to stay that way. Knowing that there are more people who read your LJ, many of whom you don't know in real life, is a kind of self-pressure to be an amusing writer, an entertaining commentor, and to always be on top of things (new scanlation releases, new episode releases, new fic chapter releases, to name just a few) so that people don't get bored with your LJ and take you off their flist. While it's not particularly challenging or a bad thing, it nevertheless leaves something to be desired in the way of privacy. Like I said before, I don't believe in locking my entries. That's like telling a lie. You're hiding part of yourself when you lock the entries that you think will offend people. It's vain and superficial, to present only the good side of you to the public, and hide the ugly things to a select few. That's why I don't do it.

Well, I'm not sure where I was going with that.

10:04 p.m.

"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from." - T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets"
Saturday, February 7, 2004
Playlist:

I haven't ditched this place. I really haven't. I'm just (more than) temporarily located at my LJ... I'll figure out something to do with this place... really...

01:12 p.m.

"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from." - T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets"
Saturday, January 10, 2004
Playlist: [none]

Well, this is a horrible way to start a new year. My house was broken into and robbed on Wednesday, and at the time we all thought that only Melissa's stuff was stolen, but that turned out not to be true when I came home from Jean's house tonight and found out that my room was ransacked as well, although probably not as much as Melissa's room was. They fucking pulled out part of my bedsheets to look under the futon and pulled all my jewelry boxes out of order, opened up my cabinets and went through my stuff, FUCKING TOOK MY MOM'S WALLET WHICH I'D BEEN KEEPING AS A MOMENTO!!! MOTHERFUCKERS I HOPE YOU DIE A SLOW PAINFUL DEATH AND GO TO THE DEEPEST LEVEL OF HELL!!

On top of that, Melissa says she wants to move out because she feels threatened.

*flips off the world* Oh, die of heat-death already!

11:08 p.m.

"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from." - T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets"
Wednesday, January 7, 2004
Playlist: [none]

In case anyone didn't know, I'm in SF visiting Jean this week. We went to Japantown today. Found the FMA manga, wanted it very very very badly, but then I realized that even if I bought all six volumes, I wouldn't be able to understand Japanese, so there was really no point. T________T So then, for consolation, I got the Tales of Phantasia artbook and Salty Dog I. Prettiness~~~~~~~~ I wanted to get Salty Dog II too, but I didn't want to spend that much money this time. I also got a DNAngel wall calendar, the kind with big poster pictures and only 7 pages in all because they were too cheap to give the fans 12 whole pictures and decided to squeeze two months into one page. The picture selection is really good, though. I'll look through everything later and put up a more thorough description. (I wish I could scan all of these for you, Vinita, they're really pretty~~). We also visited a bookstore where I found a book that had been on my booklist two years ago, and which I couldn't find anywhere. So, that was also very nice.

So, the bad news. Apparently, this morning, when Melissa and Andre went out, someone broke into the house through the backdoor (no forced entry, though), and stole a lot of things of value in Melissa's room. Her computer, camera, mp3 player, and lots of things of sentimental value were taken, and her jewelry was rifled through and dumped on the bed. The weird thing is, there's evidence that whoever the thief is did go near the front, where my room is, but according to Melissa, none of my things were even disturbed, not even the things in the living room near Melissa's room. This whole thing maybe have been timed, since Melissa and Andre were only out for about an hour and half. The really weird thing is, whoever the thief is, went through the fridge, took out two blueberry muffins I'd left on a plate, left one on the couch, and presumably ate the other one. The reason we know that the thief went near my room was because s/he dropped a piece of muffin wrap on the floor by the front door. -_________-;;;;;

A police report was filed, and apparently the place was dusted for fingerprints. There weren't any, which means that whoever did this was careful, or at least didn't just come off of the street for a quick job. So, I think this was a purposeful event. Melissa is freaked out; she thinks that whoever did this knew us well enough to know we had a cat, because Keiko is usually very eager to get out, and she was still home when Melissa came back. Personally, I think Keiko was probably alseep the entire time -__-;;;. I do agree that whoever did this knew us, or at least Melissa, and that this was planned.

Everyone is really freaked out about all of this, since this has never happened before, all 8 years that I've lived at that place. Melissa is staying elsewhere for the time being, although I hope she comes back when I come back from SF. However, I can't find it in me to feel scared or threatened by someone who will go through my fridge on a thiefing and leave a blueberry muffin on my couch. -__________-;;;;;;

09:39 p.m.

"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from." - T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets"
Tuesday, December 30, 2003
Playlist: [none]

The following was crossposted on my LJ two days ago...

After reading the latest Naruto scanlated chapter:

Alright, so, when the Naruto manga started, Naruto and co. were twelve, right? And now it's running onto 23 volumes, and Naruto and co. are STILL twelve, right? So, I have this horrible feeling that we will never really see Naruto become Hokage, because at this point there are too many complications in place for the story to have a neat ending.

First up is the current situation: Sasuke has been stupid and is now lost (?) to the dark side (or something like that), so obviously, life won't be the same for Naruto and co. Naruto and Sasuke and Sakura can't continue being Kakashi's team and continue their training, because 1) Sasuke just went AWOL and that kind of betrayal won't be taken lightly no matter the reason, 2) this is something like wartime, and as competent genin/almost chuunin, they're expected to fight/do whatever they can, not hide like the children they are and continue their lessons, 3) the difference in the three's abilities are clear enough now, and with both Naruto and Sasuke being special cases, they're really not going to be able to work as a team for much longer, and Sakura is smart enough to know this. She's also smart enough to realize that her strong points lie elsewhere and she really can't compete with Sasuke and Naruto when it comes to sheer power. So, basically, I can't really see them going back to old times when they worked as a team on little missions. Two more things about the current situation: Orochimaru and Itachi. This is not just ONE outside factor we're talking about, this is two different dangerous factions that want either Sasuke or Naruto dead (eventually). Orochimaru's actions causes a lot of problems to Konoha, obviously, and he's reeling in Sasuke with the promise of power and poor stupid headstrong Sasuke is falling for it like a ton of rocks. And Itachi's timely appearance only cinched Sasuke's decision to be the strongest. I mean, at this point, Sasuke's throwing everything away for the sake of power, and Itachi ignoring him for the sake of Naruto does nothing to help his state of mind. I mean, most people still don't know that Naruto has the kyuubi sealed inside him and don't see what's so special about him, and after watching him beat Gaara, Sasuke is more than a little insecure when the man he's wanted to kill forever shows up and for all purposes declare that Naruto, who Sasuke has always thought himself superior to, is more interesting to him than his own little brother, because seriously, nobody sat Sasuke down and explained just WHY Naruto got so powerful so suddenly. Boy, did Sasuke go off the far end with a flash and a bang. At this point, if someone were to say, 'oh, by the way, that Naruto kid? Who's always been something of an idiot and who you always thought yourself to be better than? He's got the Nine-tailed Fox Demon sealed inside him, and you'll probably never beat him when it comes to chakra and stamina', Sasuke will probably do everything he can to get him to unleash the kyuubi's power and see if he can take him on, cos, you know, nobody ever said Sasuke was sane and reasonable. >__> Anyway, Sasuke is being manipulated by Orochimaru and will probably come away with the worse end of the deal, that is, if Naruto and team doesn't get him back in time, but Sasuke's stubborn, and usually has a mind of his own. Maybe he'll surprise us, even in Orochimaru's clutches.

Now, if Sasuke IS brought back to Konoha (with much casulties on the side-goddammit Choji and Neji better be alive), like I said before, nothing will be the same. Sasuke will probably not feel regret in his actions, and will probably hate the others for depriving him of his chance to become more powerful. Who knows what might happen then? But I have a feeling things aren't going to be so easy, with the introduction of Kimimaro in chapter 199, who swears that he'll bring Sasuke to Orochimaru, and who has the "Gaia" seal (as opposed to Sasuke, who has the "Heaven" seal, which means Kimimaro is pretty damn powerful), so even if Naruto-tachi defeat teh last two sound nins, Kimimaro will show up soon, and Naruto-tachi will probably be too tired by then, unless Tsunade decide that hmm, maybe it wasn't such a good idea to send out a new chuunin and some genins to retrieve someone with as much potential as Sasuke, with Orochimaru as the enemy, and send help along in the form of some jounins and Anbu. But then again, Naruto could just bust out the kyuubi power, except that would be repetitive, and this is obviously a stage in the manga where things are going to change, which means that for once, Naruto might not be able to come out on top. Personally, I think it would be more interesting if Naruto-tachi fail and Sasuke lands in Orochimaru's hands and has to survive on his own for a while. There just seems to be more chances for character development on those involved (mainly, Sasuke, Naruto, and even Sakura). But it will be somewhat interesting too if Sasuke is retrived successfully (and probably placed under some sort of security surveillance as a semi-missing nin), although more cards are up in the air as to where the story can go from there.

There's also the not-so-distant threat of Itachi and his organization (can't remember the name, 'aka-' something) who are interested in the kyuubi's power and might kidnap Naruto anytime. They're either the focus of the next arc or somehow going to be written into this arc along with Orochimaru (who knows, maybe the organization will decide it's high time to eliminate Orochimaru and they'll cancel each other out...), as well as Sasuke's blinding obsession with killing him. Even if Orochimaru wasn't an issue anymore (which he still is, goddamn him, with his new body and everything), Sasuke will still be screwed over when Itachi decides he wants to have another go at kidnapping Naruto, and we know already that Itachi is more powerful than Orochimaru (I think we know; I have to check the scanlations). Anyway, I feel that with the appearance of Itachi in connection with the kyuubi, Naruto is suddenly the main character again, because this time HE's the target, the focus of the plot, not Sasuke, and it's brought to mind that Naruto still needs to deal with the kyuubi himself, merge their chakra, get the kyuubi to accept him, whatnot, instead of just playing host and borrowing the kyuubi's power now and then.

Current situation aside (they will either get Sasuke back or lose Sasuke to Orochimaru and there will probably be a long drawn out conflict until Orochimaru is defeated and all that), there's the problem of the pace of the manga. Kishimoto has been writing the story with great detail. The biggest time-jump he's done so far is a few days or a few months, and come on, the series is at 23 volumes, going strong, and Naruto-tachi haven't aged more than half a year. Kishimoto can't just skip a few years and suddenly make them older and more powerful because he is in the middle of a pre-war and he's gotta finish writing this arc, but what about after? This manga is about Naruto, after all, and supposedly about his goal to become Hokage, but are we really going to follow him until he's powerful enough? (I, for one, wouldn't mind if this manga went on forever... but that's just me; the mangaka might get tired of the story at some point) Naruto can't seriously become Hokage for at least a few years, and by then they'll be almost adults. Which isn't really a problem except for the fact that if Sasuke's still alive and finished his business with Itachi then he's gotta get down and make a few babies to restore his clan, and really, will ANY readers be happy with Sasuke/Sakura now? Kishimoto might just be tempted to pull a Hikago on us and end it right there with the vague hint that Naruto will become more powerful and grow more and eventually achieve the Hand of God with Touya- I mean, become Hokage, but that's left up to your imaginations, thank you very much, loyal readers who will pull out your hair if Naruto manga is ended in its prime. But really, 23 volumes and Naruto is still something of a brat, even if he HAS matured, and GOD I hope Kishimoto keeps on with the manga because there are too many loose ends for him to end it anytime within the next five volumes.

And finally, here are the issues I think Kishimoto needs to address in the manga:
- Sasuke's fate, you know, if he ever defeats Itachi; just cos us readers think he needs to stay alive and restore the Uchiha clan doesn't mean Kishimoto would have a problem killing him off and OH the TRAGEDY! end the famous Uchiha bloodline. Except, you know, the fans will mob him. So I don't think Sasuke is going to die, but there's no denying that he's on the path to self-destruction, or at least a lot of self-damage, and if Naruto doesn't actually have the kind of influence on him that everyone seems to think he does, then Sasuke is kinda shitted. Personally, I think at this point Sasuke hates Naruto's guts and wouldn't like anything more than to up one on him, and no amount of Naruto-ness is going to bring him back from the 'dark side'.
- Sakura's feelings for Sasuke. By now, it seems rather obvious that it's more than just puppy-love, although I think confessing to Sasuke the night he left and begging him to stay was more spur-of-the-moment-Sasuke-don't-go-AWOL-on-us sort of thing than wanting him to stay for her own sake. I mean, Sakura is a smart girl, and she obviously pays attention to stuff like village politics and such, and she knows that if Sasuke betrays Konoha then things aren't going to be easy on him as a Missing-Nin. Still, what I'm trying to say is that she's TWELVE, unrequited true love seems rather unlikely (the true love part, not the unrequited part), and I really think she should forget about Sasuke and take a good look at Lee (well, ok, no competition there, but at least Lee is more likable and has a better heart). I don't want, nor do I think that this series is one where Sasuke, as a person so intent on revenge as to selfishly disregard the consequences and effects of his actions, can still come back after everything is over and still get the girl. Also, after everything that Lee has been through, he at least deserves to get the girl, and not be left in the dust like he has been, so far. Sakura deserves someone better than Sasuke, and there has been nothing to indicate that Sasuke is interested in anybody at all. When Sasuke talked about reviving his clan, he talked about it as if it were duty; love didn't figure into it.
- The fourth Hokage (and Naruto). We've been given a rock carving of his face, we've been given a picture (two, in fact, one of him as Hokage, and one of him as Kakashi's teacher), we've been given him in the memory of the third Hokage as a young boy, as Jiraiya's student. But we know nothing else about him. Popular opinion is that 4th Hokage is Naruto's daddy, cos seriously, where DID he get the baby from? >__> he couldn't have just waltzed up to somebody and asked them for their baby so he could seal a demon into the boy, and even though there's the possibility that the kid was an orphen like Iruka, there's still the fact that Naruto has the same hair as the 4th Hokage (and yeah, we'd like a name for him too), and there have been no end of people who have said that Naruto is like the 4th Hokage. That also brings up the question of Naruto's parentage. I'm sure Sarutobi or something high up must know who Naruto's parents were. Is there a Uzumaki clan? Or was that name just randomly assigned to Naruto? Could Naruto's mother have been someone in one of Sarutobi's flashbacks? (And speaking of the 3rd Hokage, whose name is Sarutobi, is he related to Asuma-sensei, whose last name is also Sarutobi, and would that make Asuma to be Konohamaru's dad? O__o This is just rampant speculation, but it'd be really nice to get more info on everyone's relationship. I mean, it's interesting to know that Kakashi was the 4th Hokage's pupil, who was in turn Jiraiya's pupil, who in turn was Sarutobi's pupil along with Orochimaru and Tsunade, and Anko was Orochimaru's pupil, and Sarutobi was the pupil of the first two Hokage, one of which was Tsunade's ancestor.) And one more thing, if the 4th Hokage is Naruto's daddy, is Naruto going to grow up as hot as him? XD
- Kakashi and his history. How did he get the Sharingan? It's a fair assumption that he's not of the Uchiha clan, and there must have a been a reason for someone of his caliber to have quit the Anbu and become a teacher for new genin. There's a good chance that it has to do with the best friend and comrades he said he lost? He must have had Sharingan for a while, because he does have a reputation as a Sharingan user. Also, is said best friend the other kid on his old team? Could said best friend have been Naruto's father (just a possibility I'm tossing out, because I notice how Sasuke's like the younger Kakashi, and Naruto kinda of reminds me of the other boy in Kakashi's old team picture).
- and finally, teh Hyuga angst. What's going to happen with them? I really don't think Neji is going to die at this point, and Hinata is obviously changing herself, as Neji himself have been changed. I'd like to see where they go from here.

Geezus, have I talked enough yet? Oh yah, one more thing, the third opening theme? So fricking adorable. And poor child Gaara. ^^;; Gaara is definitely going to make an appearance later on, it'll be a waste of a character for him not to.

12:44 a.m.

"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from." - T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets"
Sunday, December 28, 2003
Playlist: Dybbuk - Gackt

Ahh, I think I can finally look around me and nod and say that my house is clean enough for me to stand. I mean, there's a bit of a mess where I left stuff around AFTER I cleaned the house, but it feels controllable, you know? I even swept the bathroom area and finally changed the litter, so now my feline bitch WILL stay indoors when Nature calls. And here is where I'll share a shameful secret: Keiko's been doing her business in the neighbor's yards for the past month because I've been too busy to change her litter. Thus her incessant begging to go outside every morning at 5:30 am like clockwork. The other day, I caught her digging in the neighbor's vegetable garden, and that's when I decided to get off my lazy butt and replace her litter. When I finished, I woke her up and shoved her into the box to show her that she was supposed to go in there from now on. But of course, this morning, she woke me up again at 5:30 and demanded to go outside. Apparently she's forgotten the mechanics of litter. So I shove her into the litter box again and block the exit until she got desperate enough to start pawing at the litter. So now she's housebroken again and I'm NOT letting her outdoors for a long time. This partly come from the fact that I saw her crossing the street into another neighborhood block that was really too far from home, and since my street is only one street away from MLK (which is traffic-busy as hell), I don't want her wandering around and getting run over by cars cos she's too retarded sometimes to know better than stand still in the face of oncoming headlights. Meh.

02:33 p.m.

"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from." - T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets"
Friday, December 19, 2003
Playlist:

Yeah, I realized I haven't posted here for a while and decided to rectify that. I've been posting on LJ recently because it's a lot easier, but I can't find the heart to abandon my poor pitas blog.

Anyway, finals over, semester over. Saw LOTR-ROTK yesterday, and may I just scream... "SO GAY!" Yes, so very very gay. This movie has taken the meaning of gay and run away with it. It has taken the level of gay and risen to new heights. It was so gay I couldn't properly appreciate the angst and tear-jerking moments of the movie and instead smirked and snickered for 3 and 1/2 hours straight. Shit, I WILL go back and see it again, and cry at the appropriate moments this time, and try not to snerk too loudly whenever Legolas twirls around in battle and his pretty high-quality wig floats up.

04:07 p.m.

"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from." - T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets"
Tuesday, December 2, 2003
Playlist: Wolf's Rain OST - 02

FUCK!! My finals are arranged thus:

Wednesday, 12/10, Psychology 1 - 8:00-11:00 am, Chemistry 1A - 5:00-8:00 pm
Friday, 12/12, Chinese 7A - 8:00-11:00 am, Math 1A - 12:30-3:30 pm

WHY ARE THEY ALL WITHIN TWO DAYS OF EACH OTHER?????

10:01 p.m.

"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from." - T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets"
Sunday, November 30, 2003
Playlist:

For the past two weeks or so, I keep on getting the feeling that I might be coming down with something. The feeling always went away after a good night's sleep, but I still feel like I'm teetering on the edge of an illness. x___X it's not a very pleasant feeling, and since it's nothing very concrete, there's nothing I can do about it. Bah, it's uncomfortable to be not quite healthy and not quite sick.

Finals are coming up in a week and a half. I am so dead. I just want this semester to be over and for me to pull a decent grade in Psych and at least pull off C's in chem and math. X_____x This semester needs to be over already...

06:18 p.m.

"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from." - T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets"
Tuesday, November 25, 2003
Playlist: Kuukiryodan - D.A.I.

Erm. I don't know how many people read my last entry, but I just wanted to say that sometimes, I just need to get resentment out of me. I mean, most of the people who know me will say that I don't usually become truly angry at something. But it does build up on the inside, and every once in a while I need to let off some steam. When I do that, I tend to be vicious to whatever is around me, and when there's no one around me to be vicious to, I'm vicious to myself. So, it's just getting all the bad, dark feelings out of me. Sometimes it does leave vestiges, or impressions on my personality when the feelings have been pent up for too long, but once I'm done emptying myself of that nasty business, I go back to normal. I'm still the nice, mild-mannered person people usually know. I haven't changed.

09:37 p.m.

"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from." - T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets"
Monday, November 24, 2003
Playlist: Wind - Akeboshi [Naruto ED1]

Maa, there are a lot of things I want to say. Today was a mixed emotions sort of day. I went grocery shopping after class, and after that, I put away the loads of laundry that I never put away before. Then, since I had free time, I started to clean out the living room closet/storage space. You know, the one with all of Mom's clothes in it. Yes, I finally got around to doing that "wrapping up the belongings of the deceased" thing. A lot of them will be taken back to China in a suitcase (hopefully before Clear Bright Day) and burnt on Mom's grave. Some will be given to relatives, like, the nice clothes that Mom would buy and never wear. The only problem with all of this is that Mom never really specified which were to be given away, so I have to choose for her. Right now, there are random piles of clothes on the living room sofa, categorized by how sure I am that they are going to be burnt. Some of the clothes are really nice, and even still have their price tags, and some others are business/office type clothing, which are too nice to be worn casually and not familiar enough to be burnt. By familiar I mean the clothes that Mom would wear the most on her days off, or the ones she brought with her from China 12 years ago. There are also lots of winter-type coats that will stay in the closet, because it's been years since Mom wore any of them, so they won't go with her. I don't think it was particularly hard, going through most of her clothes, because she never wore them that much anyway, so I don't associate a lot of the clothes with her. There ARE some clothes that she wore a lot, and it feels really weird to know that I'll never see her wear them again. I don't have much of a problem with getting rid of most of the clothes that need to be burnt or given away, but there's one white coat that Mom wore a lot the past year. She always wore that one when we went for walks, or, her daily exercise. This is the one item of clothing that I'm attached to. I feel like keeping this coat, although that action feels somewhat taboo, so I can hold on to it whenever I'm feeling particularly off or unstable. I almost... no, I DO wonder, if I'll feel any better, if I were to hug that coat when I go to bed tonight. Does it even smell like Mom? I can't remember. I never associated Mom with any particular smell. I associate Mom with... comfort. Anything that is warm and comfortable and soothing. We are not, we were not a family that had associations with smells. Which is rather regretful for me, at this point, because I'd like to have at least something to remember Mom by, without doing anything that goes against tradition. Soon, this house will look like it's wholly mine. My belongings, my affects, my touch. I don't want traces of Mom to be gone yet.

And then, in three days, it's Thanksgiving. I do have things to be thankful, despite everything. Recently, many people have asked me to spend Thanksgiving with them, although I wonder what they're thinking about when they extend the invitation. Are they thinking, "This is a person who has no one to spend the holidays with"? Do they feel sorry for me? I know for sure that at least 2 of the families that have invited me are sincere, but what about the rest? What about the people I don't even know that well, who invite me to join their strange families, possibly out of sympathy or pity? My neighbors, who are concerned for me because my mother was a Christian like them. My dad, who just assumes that I'll be spending my holidays with him and his wife, when he's not even family in the true sense of the word? My mother's friends, who seem to feel that they are responsible for me now that Mom is gone, because, "Poor Angela, who will she go to now?" I've made my own plans, thank you very much. I have someone to spend Thanksgiving with. Don't feel sorry for me. But I have nothing much to be thankful for, because if the most precious person in the world hadn't left me, I wouldn't be where I am now. I am angry that the two most important people to me have both gone, my grandfather and my mom. I am jealous that Mom has already joined her father, that they're together and I'm not with them. I don't think it's fair that the two people I love most are taken away from me before I'm even twenty years old. I don't think it's fair that time after time, I am forced to stand by myself. I don't think it's fair that I can't think of my father as family. I don't think it's fair that I'm separated from my relatives like this. I don't think it's fair that wishes don't come true.

10:34 p.m.

"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from." - T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets"
Sunday, November 23, 2003
Playlist: Gift - Maaya Sakamoto

"I really need to, uh, stop waking up at 3 in the afternoon and spend more daytime awake. I also need to stop zoning out when I DO go to my 8 o'clock classes and go to bed earlier."

... thus spake I, and yet I still woke up at 3 pm today. <__<;;;

Did the dishes today, and suddenly feel like the house is a whole lot cleaner. It's weird, to have a place of my own that I have to take care of. It's also weird to be doing dishes nowadays, because everytime I do the dishes, I think of Mom, and how she'd always leave the dishes on the table after she ate, even though she'd always tell me to put dishes in the sink after I eat. Mom was strange like that... So, I have a habit of putting my dishes into the sink right after I eat, but I would always clean up after Mom. But Mom did the dishes a lot more than I did. And she'd be the one who usually took out the garbage, or at least remind me to do so...... I don't think I've remembered to take out the garbage on the right day even once since Mom's been gone, and I definitely wait until the dishes in the sink develop an unpleasant smell before I nag myself into doing them. So, doing most household chores nowadays remind me of Mom, because I'd never really had to do them myself before. Except for vacuuming. For some reason, I was always the one to vacuum the house. That was another strange thing with our two-people family: I never challenged the fact that I had to vacuum the house all the time, and Mom never offered to do it herself. So, vacuuming doesn't make me think of Mom. I really miss Mom's cooking though. She wasn't a great cook or anything, and she made really simple, non-fancy dishes that anyone could make. But I've been eating her food for so long that I can't get used to anyone else's. She would always know exactly what I'd like to eat, and make the food just when I want them. I learned how to make a few of my favorite foods from her, but none of them taste the same way that Mom's food would. It's really hard for me to like anyone else's cooking as much as I liked Mom's. I don't even like my own cooking that much. I know it's not BAD, per se, but it's just not what I want to eat when I'm hungry. The only time I've ever liked someone's else's cooking is when I go home to visit my mom's family. That's where my mom's cooking comes from, that and her hometown. I love my aunts' cooking, because she cooks the same way my mom does. They're better cooks, I think, and they have a larger repertoire of dishes than my mom does, but the reason I like my aunts' cookings is because it tastes exactly the same as Mom's. That's something weird about me, I think. It's that no matter how great a cook is, how fancy or rare a dish is, I would always choose my Mom's, my aunts', and my hometown's cooking over them. The only problem was, Mom got so sick over the last year or so, that we just didn't have regular meals anymore. Even before we went back to China, I could barely remember the last time Mom cooked a real meal, and the two of us sat down in the kitchen to eat it. Towards the end, her cooking got weird too, like she'd forgotten what to do to make her dishes come out just right. She stopped cooking probably half a year before we went back to China. Those months are kinda blurry to me, because they felt unreal and abnormal. I don't remember what we ate, if we even ate at meal times, and how we spent our days. I'm not even sure what we did for Christmas last years... it might just be my memory going bad, though.

And after waxing over food like that, I just realized that I haven't eaten anything today save for a dozen Holland mints. >___>;; I'd like to feed myself, something simple at least, but I forgot to go shopping again... geez, I'm hopeless at this 'taking care of myself' business. Oh well, I suppose I could always get up early tomorrow and grab some grub before class and break my no-breakfast rule.

08:45 p.m.

"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from." - T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets"
Saturday, November 22, 2003
Playlist: Gravity - Maaya Sakamoto

I really need to, uh, stop waking up at 3 in the afternoon and spend more daytime awake. I also need to stop zoning out when I DO go to my 8 o'clock classes and go to bed earlier.

My lifestyle right now is really quite unhealthy, but you know what? I woke up today and couldn't think of a single pressing thing that I had to do. No homework assignments due within the next week, no tests to study for (except for the final, but I can start on that after Thanksgiving), most bills are paid, and except for that crapload of dishes that I need to wash and the pile of laundry I need to fold, I AM FREE. It is a wonderful feeling. Absolutely beautiful. And what do I do upon realzing this? I go back to sleep.

05:11 p.m.

"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from." - T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets"
Wednesday, November 19, 2003
Playlist: Every Little Thing - Fragile

*whine* vinita-clone-chan you need to be online dear *whine* ;__; wanna talk to you *whine* finished reading Castle in the Air, I need to triple-damn you for me liking it *whine* you need to see my new AIM profile cos now it matches yours except mine is from CitA and I KNOW you'll appreciate it and sparkle and evil!smile at me because I got sucked into the non-fandom *whine* need my anime/manga/mp3 pimpage *whine* YOU NEED TO BLOG AGAIN GODDAMMIT!! *@#!$@^$% *whine* and most of all I need someone to fangirl with and tell about how much Naruto fandom has killed my brain

*sulk*

08:00 p.m.

"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from." - T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets"
Sunday, November 16, 2003
Playlist: [none]

Chibi Miyu: i really must thank you for keeping me up late last night
KuroiTsubasaKei: *blinks* hmm? *does not really remember*
Chibi Miyu: well, because right as i was getting ready to go to bed, momiji threw up >_>
Chibi Miyu: and i managed to catch it with a paper plate
KuroiTsubasaKei: *blink*
KuroiTsubasaKei: er, crisis averted?
Chibi Miyu: yeah, something like that
KuroiTsubasaKei: then... how does it have to do with me...?
Chibi Miyu: because if you hadn't kept me up, he would've barfed on the carpet
KuroiTsubasaKei: -__-;;; um?
Chibi Miyu: leaving me to clean it up the following morning, and quite likely, step on it before doing so >____>
KuroiTsubasaKei: oh... ^^;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
KuroiTsubasaKei: ooohh, so it was a real thanks, not a sarcastic 'thanks i got SO much sleep from talking to you' sort of thanks
Chibi Miyu: *snrk* yeah, real thanks XD;

04:04 p.m.

"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from." - T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets"
Thursday, November 13, 2003
Playlist: Truth - Two-Mix

Today was a Bad Day, fully deserving of its capital letters. It all started late last night, when I was watching the lecture videos for chem.

Things that went wrong:
1) the internet spazzed out on me (=>was not able to finish watching all the lecture videos => did not finish studying)
2) the computer shut down and restarted twice. By itself. For no apparent reason. (=>interrupting what I was doing)
3) the kitchen light went out. The ceiling's too high for me to reach, even if I stood on the counter. No reach, no light. (I've only ever had to change the kitchen light once before, and it was so long ago that I don't remember how I did it. I DO remember being deathly afraid of the height I was at, to be able to reach the light bulb.)
4) I couldn't find my calculator, and since they don't allow anything too advanced for the midterm, I couldn't use my TI-83+ and had to dig out my old TI-36X Solar, which I haven't used since middle school.
5) my watch. My lovely dark red watch. BROKE.
6) CD burner went retarded on me; wasted a blank disc
7) was late to lab
8) was late to lab because the bus stopped on the way there and didn't move for 10 WHOLE MINUTES while the bus driver searched the bus for a missing bad, and then proceeded to sit in his seat and report the find to the station
9) the reaction in the lab REFUSED to titrate. Wasted 2.5 hours in lab
10) auntie flo paid me a visit while I was in lab
11) midterm was the same as the previous two: BAD
12) I've had nothing to eat all day except a can of mandarin oranges, some cookies, and water.
13) I can't cook myself dinner because the kitchen light is out.
14) I STILL have a midterm to study for.

I. Feel. Rotten. And hungry.

08:51 p.m.

"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from." - T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets"
Tuesday, November 11, 2003
Playlist: Last Regrets [Xmas Floor Style] - I've (Kanon)

It occurs to me that I really should be taking better care of my kitchen. Usually I just grab something to eat without pausing for very long in the actual vicinity of the stove or the sink or the fridge. But two days ago, I was digging around in the lower levels of my fridge, and discovered an onion that I'd left in there two months ago, which, left on its own, had begun to sprout very nicely. The same couldn't be said for the bag of bell peppers, which made a distinct squish when I dropped it into the trash can.

While filling up a the water-boiler, I also noticed a strange smell coming from the pile of dishes in the sink, which I haven't had a chance to wash since last thursday. It is most displeasing and my skin crawls to think that I shall have to deal with it after the midterms.

12:44 p.m.

"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from." - T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets"
Saturday, November 8, 2003
Playlist: Eternal Snow - FMwS

XD XD It came in the mail today!! I finally got "The Complete Prints of Yoshitaka Amano"! I ordered it more than a month ago but it was out of stock, but it finally came! Yay~~ *fangirlish glee* The book is so pretty~ All these artworks are so beautiful! I'm almost afraid to touch it...

Anyway, it's a wonderful thing to get something nice in the mail like that, and at first I was worried, because I'd already spent too much money this past month, but then the book turned out to be only $28 (as opposed to, like, the $50+ that I was expecting).

06:10 p.m.

"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from." - T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets"
Friday, November 7, 2003
Playlist: Eternal Snow - FMwS

>__>; Ugh, so, apparently, they brought Heimdall back, and now he's in cahoots with Hel (the stupid evil father-hating bitch). Since I skipped EP. 23, I don't know all the facts, but from EP. 24 it sure doesn't look like Heimdall wants to cause Loki pain, but he might just be watching out for Hel instead. Anyway, I'm glad the Norns aren't fighting Loki anymore, but the series is going in weird places. I'm also beginning to notice the really stupid lines that I never really paid attention to before, like "I'm going to kill you now" and "Hmm hmm hmm, I will cause you pain, Loki", etc. >__> they're like, fillers or something, because the animators weren't smart enough to come up with anything else. *pauses* Who the hell animated this piece of crap anyway? *goes to watch the ending theme*

*several hours later* Dammit, the particular sequence that the producer's names are on has Heimdall and Loki in it, I couldn't get it for the distraction *wipes something off chin*

06:09 p.m.

"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from." - T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets"
Thursday, November 6, 2003
Playlist: Kibouhou - Strawberry Jam

My Winamp just created a new level of weird all on its own. Strawberry Jam's song came up... on the cynical pink skin... with that gorgeous fanart of Taichi, with someone's hand reaching for, touching his cheek, with the thumb under tai's lips... and all I could think of, then, was... "pink... strawberry... taichi... prob'ly Yama's hand... pink strawberry jam on taichi and yama's about to lick it off..." *buries herself under a rock*

Btw, Vinita, I think I know what you mean about Strawberry Jam's vocal now... I mean, when there are more pleasant voices running on winamp, SJ's voice does claws its way down the side of a blackboard quite painfully. Music's still good tho.

11:37 p.m.

*struggles with something* wait, there's a difference between MaLoki and Loki? As in, two different mangas?? *goes off to investigate* Oohhh I see, the mangaka changed magazines and had to add words to the title (like, Saiyuki to Saiyuki Reload). So apparently, originally, it was just called Matantei Loki, ran for 7 volumes, then switched mags and got a "Ragnarok" tagged to the name. And I, the fool, ordered Matantei Loki Ragnarok vol.1 off YesAsia.com, without wondering why the cover looked different from the scanlations I've seen. No wonder the scanlations were different compared to the volume I got. Maa, I guess I'll just have to hunt down the first 7.

10:38 p.m.

>D I gave Vinita something to say earlier about Tanemura girls and their outfits and how much I wanted to be able to wear one and the hormonal effects of birth control pills. Now I'll give Joe something to say. Tanemura has the almost the same fashion sense for her male characters, and they look good enough in them that I wished I was a guy just so I could wear those outfits without looking ridiculously like a girl in drag.

10:10 p.m.

I forgot to mention, earlier, why exactly I adored Tanemura series so much, aside from the art and the storyline and the humor. It's the sense of hope I always get from reading her stories. No matter how bad things might get, everything always ends up being alright. Goes perfectly with my system of beliefs. It's beautiful, how she tells her stories.

>__< And I want to hear Takuto sing "Myself". The whole thing.

10:02 p.m.

*__* Like I said, Tanemura art is so very pretty. The girls she draws are always wearing these beeeeaaaaaauuuuutiful outfits with lots of pretty lace and ribbons and fancy fabrit, you know, the kinda that all girls, deep down inside (some deeper down than others), want to wear. Even me (and admitting that says alot about the effects of the pill on me).

Vinita, I know you want to make some kind of comment about that. See the comment button? Click it!

09:40 p.m.

>_> It's scary how much of a sucker I've become for Tanemura series. And it hasn't been helped by her! *points accusingly towards Vinita* Evil girl, you are! I mean, Jean introduced me to KKJ, and at first I would nod and smile and go on obsessing over shonen series or whatever it was I liked at the time, and tried hard to be NOT impressed with the beautiful Tanemura art and the beautiful storylines (I failed somewhere around KKJ vol. 2) And THEN, Jean wanted me to get a blog, and I was surfing Pitas membership and found Vinita's (now hiatused indefinitely) blog with the simple and pretty KKJ layout. Since Jean ignored it (which was weird because she loved KKJ to death at the time), I stalked the blog for a while, eventually became friends with the girl who now pimps me my anime, my music, and my Tanemura scanlations XDXD. And all the while, I've been pushed further and further into the Tanemura fandom, the final nudge into the abyss being when I found out the almighty Meghan wrote amazing Tanemura fics. Instant adoration, and further obsession on my part (especially when Takuto and Izumi came into existance XDXD) And now: Miyako Drabble, by Meg of course.

[EDIT] Oh, and I really want Tanemura to write about Shinji and Natsuki. Quite badly. But I'll settle for Meg's fics.[/EDIT]

08:41 p.m.

THEY FUCKING KILLED OFF HEIMDALL!! WHY THE FUCK WOULD THEY DO THAT??? He was more interesting and had more potential as an 'enemy' than all the rest of them put together! And they had the BALLS to shove him aside for 10 or so episodes where he receives NO character development at all and shows up randomly to remind the viewers he's still there, and then SOMEONE had the bright idea to bring him back for a serious episode and KILL HIM OFF!!! WTF??? Why the hell would they do that? Just so they can start wrapping that series up??? Heimdall does more in one episode than the Norns or Freyr or anyone else Odin sends manages to do. RARGHH!! I'm too upset to say more (that, and I just spilled it all to Nont over AIM anyway, so I'm all bitched out for the moment).

07:30 p.m.

"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from." - T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets"
Wednesday, November 5, 2003
Playlist: Asu e no Brilliant Road - Angela

messing around with colors for LJ earlier:
me: ... my LJ looks like a beagle...
vinita: *looks* gaaaaahhh *is blinded again*
later
vinita: you could do....dark-ish green with bits of brown! forresty!
me: and I could, ah, call it Greenwood, huh?
vinita: *snrk*

I gave up after a while. I think the colors I left it at were red and white... (oh, oops, they're stanfurd colors) er, that is, DARK red and white. Vinita mentioned something about old blood drying...

anyway! my usename is the_tower. Friend me!

12:07 a.m.

"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from." - T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets"
Monday, November 3, 2003
Playlist: Believe in Heaven - MaLoki OP

ahhh, AniTeniPuri, I <3 it so much for its racket-swinging, fangirl-servicing, chock-full-of-pretty-talented-etc.-bishonen ways...

And of course, MaLoki, for having Norse mythology, being Norse mythology, and generally screwing up said Norse mythology in a bad way and still managed to be so much FUN at the same time!

10:42 a.m.